The Dark Mistress of the Cleavage Aesthetic
Everyone loves big titty goth girls. Which is why everyone loves Elvira. I’m no exception.
In my article about Dolly Parton, I cited Elvira the Mistress of Mammaries as one of the foundational pillars of my melon felon psyche. Like Parton, she’s a racked hybrid of bimbo and tomboy; a combo so potent you’ll find yourself standing up while sitting down. Brash, teasing, and pure sex, Elvira doesn’t ask you to look; she demands it.
But more than being an archetype for a particular type of melon felon favorite, Elvira means more to me than just immaculate cleavage aesthetic and pristine grip framing. Long before I discovered Rhonda Shear and Gilbert Gottfried on “USA Up All Night” showing cheesy bad movies on the weekend, there was the buxom Goth guiding me down the path of little-known cinematic gems in my local video store on her show “Elvira’s Movie Macabre”.
She’s how I learned about such classics as The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. I was four years old. At that age, I was more transfixed by the idea of killer tomatoes than of the jiggly ex-showgirl hosting the show. Yet, to say she didn’t catch my eye would be a lie.
I was too young for most of “Elvira’s Movie Macabre,” but I caught some of the later shows, and Elvira was a ubiquitous pop-culture figure throughout my youth, so I eventually began to understand her appeal. Corny jokes, macabre puns, pervy innuendos, a smarmy smirk, and eyes filled with mischief. Oh yeah, and those ripe casaba melons that were always perfectly framed and perfectly situated. (Seriously, the world's most reliable boob tape.) Seeing Elvira on your television set was a core memory.
There was a time when Elvira was everywhere. People talk about how horny we used to be, but it's important to remember that there's always been a cabal of puritanical killjoys. Take the way they made Elvira cover up her warlocks for this Coors commercial. Imagine getting Elvira but not the cleavage?
Born Cassandra Peterson in Manhattan, Kansas, a stone's throw away from where I was born and raised, she became obsessed with horror movies at a young age. As a child, she was scalded by hot water, leaving her scarred and enduring several skin grafts. Other girls her age played with dolls while Elvira stayed inside recovering and watched William Castle’s spooktacular The House on Haunted Hill.
Cassandra followed the beat of her own drum. Scratch that: followed the beat of her own drum line. Her teens were spent as a drag queen go-go dancer at the local gay bar. She soon graduated as a go-go dancer. If anything, this only proves how much go-go dancing gripped America in the 60s. At the same time, their main job was less eye candy and more to maintain a vibe of the club, a host, if you will. To keep things lively, not a far cry from her most infamous gig.
This led to a career as a showgirl, singer of Italian rock bands, a brief stint in Federico Fellini’s Roma, and a hostess and bunny in Hugh Hefner's Playboy club. I haven’t even mentioned her times in the Groundlings, where she first came up with the idea of the racked Mistress of the Horny Dark. I mention all of this to illustrate that what makes Peterson’s Elvira work is not merely because she has a killer set of ripe pale melons. There’s a lot of work, production know-how, and experience that goes into creating a persona that has lasted my entire lifetime.
She was even on Weekend Update!
People like Peterson don’t just happen. The obsessions of the modern internet, where people assume every great moment was the result of zero work and planning, are not only silly but somewhat dangerous to art itself. Elvira takes work, and I don’t mean to keep her body in shape, but makeup, costume, and knowing what lens is being used and where the camera is going to be.
Like with the era of mega-busty dancers of the 90s, or with any so-called sex symbol of any era, it’s not enough to merely be pretty. The world is filled with gorgeous dames, Hollywood especially. If you’re going to make it in this business, you have to have skill and talent. If all you have is looks, then you won’t last long; even models need to have some skill. (Unless you’re Kate Upton, then you can just coast because the bar of expectations is so low it's in hell.)
Elvira is also a lesson in how to measure success. People love to crow online whenever a movie fails or “bombs” but have no real understanding of why or how a movie might have bombed or even what the word actually means. They just like that someone failed. Whether it’s Supergirl or Christy, people love to dance on a box office’s grave.
These same people would have been spewing online hate at Elvira when her melon-tastic Elvira Mistress of the Dark jiggled into theaters. The movie was shrouded in bad luck. Originally, Peterson wanted Tim Burton to direct, but ended up with James Signorelli. Mistress of the Dark was only his second film, his first being a Rodney Dangerfield movie, Easy Money.
Signorelli isn't a bad director, but he leaves most of the heavy lifting behind why Mistress of the Dark is a Halloween staple to Peterson. It’s no exaggeration that Peterson co-wrote the script with longtime Groundling partner John Paragon, with Sam Eagn being the final member to join the writing team.
This scene activated something in me. Poor little guy. Barely sentient, the first thing he sees is that killer rack. He never stood a chance.
However, the real body blow was that before the movie was set to release nationwide, the distribution company, New World Pictures, went bankrupt. This meant that marketing came to a screeching halt and that the number of theaters slated to show the film went from thousands to hundreds. Worse, was how, despite her popularity, critics didn't seem as charmed by Elvira antics.
Granted, Elvira Mistress of the Dark often feels like a made-for-TV movie, but that adds to its charms. What faults Signorelli may have as a director, he and legendary cameraman Hanania Bier understood grip-framing better than most "Baywatch" episodes. Combined with Peterson's showgirl training, she brought the cleavage aesthetic, and her corny, by-the-numbers script delivered.
I say by the numbers because, at the behest of the studio head, Peterson and company essentially did the big titty goth version of The Harper Valley PTA. Still, it's hardly a rip-off, and "by-the-numbers" is by no means to imply the movie isn't filled with delightful little bits and bobs, and jiggles. Peterson's Elvira is many things, but she's never boring.
The reliable trope of the modern versus the traditional, the stuffed shirts versus those with strained shirts, the prudes against the devil-may-care sluts, in the right hands and with the right bra sizes, never fails. Luckily, Elvira fits that bill to a T-or to a D at least.
The film may have bombed, but it became a hit when it was released on video. Between video store rentals and its near-traditional airing in October on Channel 62, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark became a cult classic. I rented the movie hundreds of times, caught it every time it aired. Ironic, since my family and the culture in which I was raised were the very same prudish, conservative religious snobs who so hated the comely goth.
I'm not saying the movie led me astray. But it did make me a melon felon with a love for the underdog. It also gave me several of my favorite moments in cinematic history.
Peterson has made a career out of a character that would, pardon the pun, haunt lesser talents. Instead, she's jiggled her way into infamy and legendary status. Ironically, Elvira was sued by Maila Nurmi, also known as Vampira, a local buxom goth host from the 50s. She's played by Lisa Marie in Tim Burton's classic Ed Wood.
While the two share the same aesthetic trappings, Elvira is very much her own thing. She's livelier, goofier, and quite frankly all around more fascinating than Vampira. Elvira is what Vampira would be if she were from the Catskills. Or a Las Vegas burlesque show. Or a film programmer at the New Beverly.
More than the reason for my obsession with sloshing milk tanks, she's the reason why I got into "USA Up All Night", "Mystery Science Theater 300", "Reel Wild Cinema" and movies like Werewolves on Wheels or Baseball Bimbos in Hillbilly Hell. Elvira did more than make me a melon felon; she turned me into the cineaste that I am today.
Elvira is more than a pair of knockers. It's why there's been no copycat attempts. It's not easy to do what she does and do it with such gleeful aplomb.
Of course, like Dolly Parton, everyone loves Cassandra Peterson now. Especially since she revealed a few years ago that she had been having a years-long secret affair with her personal trainer. Goth, ginger, Queer, and even bustier than when she was younger? Man, some women have EVERYthing.
Images courtesy of New World Pictures and NBC
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