My Stacked Cast for the New 'Baywatch'
They’re remaking “Baywatch”...again. Only this time, the remake is a TV show and not an ill-fated cinematic letdown. Honestly, this is brilliant, since I can’t think of anyone working today who has the requisite appreciation for recoil cinema to pull it off.
At first, I was skeptical. After all, the modern age of television has filled me with less hope than the movies regarding anyone working having a basic grasp of the cleavage aesthetic. The only melon felon I can think of who even makes TV is James Gunn, and as much as I love the guy and his dedication to the jiggle, I don’t know if "Baywatch" is in his lane.
The first cast announcement of Stephen Amell didn’t exactly light my world on fire. However, the more I thought about it, the more I saw the threads. Like David Hasselhoff, Amell is a beloved actor from a cheesy, popular TV show, “Arrow”. Much like Hasselhoff’s “Knight Rider”, Amell and “Arrow”, while popular, are not exactly well respected outside of the fandoms.
But it was the second announcement that got my ears, among other parts, perking up. The casting of racked blonde newcomer Hassie Harrison was a full-throated statement of intent. More than just a set of ripe melons, you might have seen Harrison in Dangerous Animals, Sean Byrne’s silly but utterly fun movie about a serial killer obsessed with sharks. (He drugs his victims and then lowers them into the ocean so the sharks can eat them.) Harrison, it should be noted, is a terrific presence and is able to hold her own alongside the likes of Dan Stevens. (A real compliment considering Stevens is going full bore as the homicidal dancing machine.)
You have my attention and respect, Matt Nix
Sadly, Byrne has Harrison covered up throughout the movie. A major bummer when you realize she’s playing a surfer with a killer set of buoys. But the great thing about Harrison is, it's kind of hard to hide that rack. As anyone who has watched “Tacoma FD” or “Yellowstone” would know. Seeing Harrison's name sparked some hope in an old man’s pervy heart.
But then they followed up with casting Brooks Nader, Shay Mitchell, and Livvy Dunne. (Mitchell is a singularly shrewd casting as hordes of “Pretty Little Liar” fans will likely flock to the show.) What I like the most is how the show is keeping things stacked, but with variations on a theme, as it were. Dunne herself, while not racked to the gills, sports some terrific BTE. After all, if every woman looked the same, it would be boring.
I also hasten to add that casting an influencer is akin to hiring models, which is what the original “Baywatch” did to great and everlasting effect. "Baywatch" isn't exactly Shakespeare, but it does require something more than a bra size with double or triple letters.
Even better is how showrunner Matt Nix understands that while we joke about “Baywatch” being “jiggle TV,” you have to have a reason for people to tune in besides that, especially in the digital age, where porn is a tweet away. It’s not enough to merely have a pretty face with a hefty set of milkers. They need, at the very least, a personality that transmits beyond the screen.
Still, the most important thing I’ve seen from the showrunners is nothing about chasing the dragon of Pamela Anderson’s legacy. Nix, the same mind behind the criminally underappreciated “Burn Notice,” seems to be simply doing his own version while hewing to the original's vibe. The original vibe being soap opera + tits = fun for the whole family. (With Nix, the likelihood of a Bruce Campbell guest spot increases by a hundred-fold.)
So, all that being said, I decided to do my own list of models or actors I’d like to see pop up in the next few casting announcements. Clever readers at home might ask. “But what’s the point of that? Haven’t they already basically finalized the cast? This feels pointless.”
To which my answer is, “It’s called fun. Pull the stick out of your ass.”
Much like Nix, I’m looking at women who are either actors, models, or influencers, people who have something more than just a bouncy pair of scene stealers. These ladies have a little something extra besides a fully stuffed bra. But it helps that they understand the cleavage aesthetic and look good running in slow-motion.
Her CPR classes are VERY popular.
- Sofia Gomez -
A TikTok sensation, but don't hold that against her, Sofia Gomez would shine as a gung-ho bubbly rookie. An aspiring voice actor, cosplayer, musician, and model, Gomez is no stranger to being in front of the camera. She's even got an obsession with mermaids, which would come in handy for someone who spends so much time around water. (No danger of Gomez drowning, that's for sure.)
As anyone who's a fan of the bouncy Gomez can attest, she is very comfortable in front of the camera. More importantly, aside from being sexy, Gomez has a vivacious energy and a screen presence that's vital for a show like 'Baywatch'. Not to mention Gomez's well-documented mermaid obsession would serve her well if they wanted to use her as a distant relative of Mellissande, a mermaid character they introduced in season eight.
A cosplayer and online fan all but screams not only an ability, but a burning hunger, to embrace the absurd.
Proof of concept,
- Antje Utgaard -
Anyone who has subscribed to the gaze already knows I'm a melon felon. I love big tits, and I cannot lie. But the Scandinavian bombshell Antje Utgaard ticks off a major fetish of mine: busty goofballs. God help me, big-titted women are one thing, but give me a woman with massive dork-ball energy with a rack to match? My jiggly kryptonite.
A model, influencer, OnlyFans model, and host of the reality dating show "Miss/Match", Utgaard knows how to play to the camera. More than that, though, if you watch any of her stuff, you'll discover she has a magnetic presence. While most models are happy with making thirst traps for their social media, Utgaard often does sketches and reenactments of classic movies. She throws herself into these and demonstrates an utter disregard for seeming cool and sexy. Something that would serve her well in episodes like the season three episode "Showdown at Malibu Beach High", guest starring Elizabeth Berkley!
My point is "Baywatch" gets unhinged, and you need someone like Utgaard who has no shame and rolls with whatever the wild melodrama demands.
- Anveshi Jain -
No, she's not smuggling two watermelons under that top, that's all, India sensation Anveshi Jain. She puts the "bust" in busty. Jain would fill out her one-piece swimsuit to the point of bursting. The mere thought of her running would give the censors palpitations.
I will admit that of all the women on this list, Jain is the one I'm least sure about. A burgeoning superstar, much of Jani's work is online. But what I've seen, I'm more than sure she could handle the rigors of starring in an ensemble show. If her stint on the infamous Gandii Baat shows us anything, it is that playing a damsel in distress in a weird, sexy rip-off of The Phantom of the Opera ala season seven's "Nevermore," would be right up her alley.
Believing that someone saw Jani running on the beach and fell instantly in love would be the most believable thing about the show.
- Katy O'Brian -
Look, when you do a fan cast, it's important to have vision because so much of the industry wears bifocals. Katy O'Brian may seem like a curveball, but hear me out. O'Brian is a movie star in the making and jaw-droppingly gorgeous. (Take it from someone who knew K-Stew was a bona fide early on, you'll want to buy as much Katy O'Brian stock as you can.) O'Brian would melt whatever screen you watched the show on.
She's got a Kurt Russell swagger and a white-hot Jane Russell smolder that makes for one helluva stick of charismatic sexual dynamite. O'Brian could play gay, straight, or the shark from Jaws, but put her in the show and I guarantee you she's going to turn up the sizzle. Seeing O'Brian in the red one-piece is an image that would make tongues wag. Make O'Brian's lifeguard an incurable flirt or mysterious and stoic, whatever you toss her, she's bound to blow it up.
A lifelong martial artist, her fighting background would fit right in for episodes like season three's "Kicks". Or hell, if Love Lies Bleeding is any indication, she'd heat any steamy romance the writers would concoct.
As a lifeguard, Cece understands you can never have too many floatation devices.
- Cece Rose -
Oh man, if "Baywatch" had someone like the Canadian sexpot Cece Rose, the ratings would decimate the competition. (Do the Nielsens even still exist?) A prolific model, influencer, OF model, and one of the few modern video vixens, Rose is a visual TNT. Coy, sultry, and downright smoldering, Rose would grind the beach to a halt whenever she arrived.
Rose has an off-kilter boob-centric sense of humor, which talk about Cupid's arrows to my heart. But more than anything, Rose has a steamy relationship with the camera while also hinting at something more behind those smoky eyes than merely sex, which is vital for a show like "Baywatch." Rose in something like season three's "Lifeguards Can't Jump" about lifeguards going undercover as street basketball players would instantly become iconic TV.
Who would you cast? Feel free to toss your choices into the ring or give your two cents on the casting already announced.
Images courtesy of Universal Pictures, Sofia Gomez, Antje Utgaard, Katy O'Brian, Cece Rose, Paramount Network, and NBC
