Top Racked Stunners Who Would Put the Thrills in an Erotic Thriller

Everyone talks about how they wish erotic thrillers would come back. But to quote John Mulaney, that's not going to happen unless everyone gets really cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.

Erotic thrillers are like noirs hyped up on sex-steroids. Crazy, horned up problematic characters behaving in toxic ways, often wallowing in the worst stereotypes. You know, fun.

More importantly, the structure of the erotic thriller is abhorrent to the modern-day plotcel. Plotcels are people who view films as plot delivery vehicles. Rubes who look at art not as expressions or ideas but as puzzles to be solved.

Erotic thrillers, like slashers, are less genres and more cinematic expressions of the ID. It's not the narrative that matters; it's the emotions simmering underneath, punctuated with explosions of either sex or violence, sometimes entwined so passionately it's difficult to tell the difference between the two.

For a generation of moviegoers more concerned with the morality of fictional characters than real-life people, erotic thrillers are taboo. These sleazy cinematic fantasies are devoid of good representation and often filled with characters that would likely be at home on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". In these movies, characters with a functioning moral compass are what's known in genre terms as "buzz kills". Going to an erotic thriller and expecting a morality tale is like going to a superhero movie and expecting it to look good.

Erotic thrillers are offensive, problematic, and sometimes even a little rapey. They are thrillers which are erotic, two distinct genres that are being mashed together to elicit a response that is in itself illicit. The key to every great erotic thriller is the sizzling dame, the smoking dime piece that leaves the audience gagging with unbridled lust to the point where we're forced to admit we too would do stupid things to tap that.

Which brings us to the other problem of modern cinema that makes erotic thrillers so rare: the look. I'm going to be straight with you: you're on a blog called "The Gaze" where we talk about how, what, and why certain women are sexy. We talk a lot about an aesthetic, but beyond that, an understanding of flesh tones. Erotic thrillers often have characters dripping with sweat, to the point that it acts as a special effect, making us the audience feel the heat as well.

Never mind how everyone looks pretty, but no one looks fuckable because for that to happen we would have to understand what makes people fuckable. So for this week's article, we're going to talk about five fuckable actors who we think would make the best tongue-lolling, lip-smacking, fan yourself, potent stars of modern erotic thrillers.

5. Brie Larson:

Few actors working today are so tailor-made for erotic thrillers as Brie Larson. Hollywood's best sleeper rack, Brie is a combination of Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway. She can play bad-ass, unhinged, flirty, classy, mysterious, or all of the above. She could play femme fatale in a proper sleazy erotic thriller in her sleep,

Not only would we get to see Brie and her bodacious rack jiggle across the screen, but she'd bring an ability to embody a psychological complexity along with a snare-drum tight ass that would have the audience contemplating all manner of crimes worth committing for a night with her.

White trash smoke show, unhinged one-night stand, or a scheming socialite, you name it, Brie would kill it without breaking a sweat. (But, hopefully while sweating.) She's the kind of A-talent that would revitalize the ailing genre.

Brie's smoldering eyes and impish smirk would have the hero falling over himself to off her husband or help her cover a crime. She would be right at home in something like critically acclaimed Bound or something trashy, like the classic Single White Female. Whatever the case, I would be there opening weekend ready to see the bounce and the wicked raw sexuality she would likely bring to every scene.

4. Sofia Vergara:

The pneumatic and kinetic Sofia Vergara would be scorching in any erotic thriller. Sofia and Salma Hayek are the closest to what we have in America to anything resembling Monica Bellucci. Sofia in particular drips a kind of raw, unfiltered sex that refuses to be tamed. With her killer body and set of absolute cannons, she exudes a kind of BTE that has been known to start religions and would fuel an entire franchise of erotic thrillers. Forget J-Lo, Sophia in something like The Boy Next Door would become a staple for college dorm watch parties for generations.

One look at Sofia and who could blame any man, or woman, for getting trapped in a web of deceit and kinky sex? In the erotic thriller Body Heat, there's a scene where William Hurt walks around the block, getting more and more horned up thinking about Kathleen Turner. The scene ends with Hurt throwing a trash can through her window, climbing in, and making passionate love with her. I mention this scene because few women alive could make that scene plausible like Sofia Vergara.

Picture this: Sofia Vergara, clothes stuck to her body with sweat, her heaving chest, those penetrating eyes staring out from the screen, and those unbelievable pillow lips curled into a devious smirk. Lines around the block.

But Sofia need not solely be a femme fatale; she could also pull off something like the little-seen but fascinating 1987 erotic genre-complex Black Widow, where an FBI Agent stalks an infamous black widow killer and becomes obsessed with her. Sofia in the Theresa Russell role would be stunning, as it would be scorching hot.

Sofia as an actor possesses everything an actor in an erotic thriller needs: sexy, dangerous, enigmatic, and fun. Even better, she has everything a melon felon needs: a magnificent rack and the temerity to show them off, and a terrific sense of melon humor.

3. Hunter Schafer:

First of all, Hunter Schafer needs to be in more movies. Once you see Hunter onscreen, you absolutely get why Hideo Kojima is obsessed with her. Ignore, for the moment, her staggering BTE or the fact that she would love to have bigger knockers, but what Hunter has is something all the more valuable: the camera fucking loves her, and she loves it back.

Erotic thrillers are infamous for having women characters who enter into the story like the Tasmanian Devil, leaving chaos and ruined bed sheets in their wake. Hunter would take even the most limpid erotic thriller and make it rife with raw animalistic sensuality.

It's tempting to use Schaffer's casting as a stunt. But that would misunderstand her genuine appeal and talent. Cast her as a cis character and watch her go feral. Hunter could play a version of Sharon Stone's Catherine in the 1992 erotic thriller epic Basic Instinct. Few things are as delightful as watching an actress go ham in a psycho role, even better if you find yourself feeling both attracted and sorry for the character.

The key to Hunter is that she's not just a set of immaculate tits on a stick. But that she brings the ability to either go scorched earth trash-fire or the doe-eyed mousey put-upon girl with a spine made of adamantium. Picture films like Poison Ivy or The Crush with Hunter and try not to pass out. No matter the movie Hunter would have you gripping the arms of your theater seats and wishing for someone to turn the AC on.

2. Oliva Taylor Dudley:

If you don't know who Olivia Taylor Dudley is then "Hello, welcome to life from under that rock you've obviously been living under." She's an actor who turned the sci-fi show "The Magicians" from a scathing indictment of Harry Potter into a show that proved you could have almost every episode show up on the 2busty2hide subreddit and STILL have it be one of the best sci-fi shows of its time.

Olivia has two modes:

1.Sex incarnate

2.Sex-on-fire

If Hollywood was at all interested in making good movies AND money, then Olivia would be in a string of erotic thrillers. Throw her into something like Wild Things, she could play the Never role OR the Denise role. THAT'S TALENT!

Never mind Olivia's fearlessness and willingness to dabble in the taboo. But it's her legendary milk tanks highlighted by a pair of dazzling baby blues that would make her an ideal star of the genre. Olivia has a strange mix of Old Hollywood razz-ma-tazz with a very modern BTE that makes it impossible to take your eyes off her when she's on the screen.

Oliva could play the seducer, the schemer, or even the innocent. She's a Swiss Army Knife of hotness, which makes her fitting for any role in the dying genre. She would be right at home in something psychologically complex as the 1994 classic Exotica or in something like The Thomas Crown Affair, a movie that's been made so many times it could have its own box set. But put Olivia in a remake, and you'll have fireworks.

1. Caroline Vreeland:

Caroline Vreeland is more than sex on a stick; she's an atom bomb of sex. As one anonymous person online once described her, "The personality and talent of Marilyn Monroe shoved into the body of Angela White." Reader, she's even better than that description.

An actor, a musician, influencer, model, and OF megastar, Caroline Vreeland is the whole package and then some. If erotic thrillers didn't already exist, we would need to create them simply to showcase Caroline's massive talents. We're talking raw, explosive, magnetic, hypnotic-and I haven't even gotten to her ginormous K-cup nuclear warheads yet!

We're talking perfect for movies like the 1993 cult-trash-classic Scorned or the aforementioned sweat-drenched Body Heat, or Unfaithful, Body Double, Sleeping With the Enemy, The Big Heat, Basic Instinct, you name it, Caroline Vreeland would be right at home.

Heck, she's already had a role in an erotic thriller, Red Handed. A movie where her character Rachel is a classic erotic thriller archetype: dark, murderous, and so bone-deep sexy you're stunned your motherboard isn't overheating. But the point is, with that smoky voice of hers, those fucking marble blue eyes that leave you gasping and being blessed with one of the most truly cinematic breasts this side of Sydney Sweeney, any erotic thriller with Caroline Vreeland would be an instant classic.

Can you think of any modern day talent you would cast in an erotic thriller?

Images courtesy of High Octane Pictures, A24, ARC Entertainment, and Yellow Veil Pictures