What's in a Cup Size?

As a melon felon, I struggle to get my normie friends to understand that there are wonders and treasures far beyond the letter D. There's more in heaven and Earth, my dear friends, than dreamt of in your mosquito bite philosophy. However, experienced melon felons understand they must hold two paradoxical truths within their horny souls:

1.) The alphabet is a varied and glorious yardstick with wonders that stagger the mind and satiate desires far beyond the first four letters.

2.) The actual bra size means very little to the quality and even size of the funbags.

Or should I say, it means very little to people who aren’t tailoring or wearing the clothes. Cup sizes are often used as shorthand by authors to describe or imply a kind of busty woman meant to titillate the reader. A shortcut to tell you how big a woman is instead of describing how big she is.

They're also used between bros when talking about women they like or experiences they've had. But like the literary shortcut, the attempt is the same, a colloquial truncation meant to do the heavy lifting of describing the rack or the vixen herself. It's easier to write or say a cupsize then having to go through the process of describing a hefty set of jugs.

But isn't describing the visual excitement of seeing a terrific set of jugs half the fun of writing or talking about them?

The problem is that a bra size by itself is meaningless. To be fair, to include a bra size and measurements in a story often feels like the writer is getting lost in the technical weeds. I don’t mind the weeds, I am, after all, a melon felon. It's like when an author gets lost in the science of science fiction; it's part of the fun!

However, the way cup sizes are bandied about, sought out, and coveted by people online and in so many Literotica stories shows a distressing lack of understanding. Phrases like “bigger than her head” (or my new favorite “bigger than her face”, “too busty to hide”, “more than a handful”, “racked and loaded” are more accurate than merely saying someone has a killer set of double D’s.

To put it into perspective, here is Sydney Sweeney. Sweeney is an actress who deserves equal infamy for her talent as well as her stellar cans. She also owns and operates a lingerie line called Syrn, and is known for going viral for her ripe and jiggly triple Ds. TRIPLE. Ds.   

As a die-hard Sweeney-head, even I’ll admit she’s not that big compared to the women I normally talk about. That doesn't mean I wouldn't pay top dollar to watch Sweeney jump rope for three hours on my local IMAX screen, in 3D. (More like 3DDD!) But heck, she’s not even as big as Kat Dennings or Christina Hendricks. But if I told you she had triple Ds, the image in your head would be vastly different from what you see.  
 
Here's another example: Do you know who else is a triple D? TikTok icon and NBA mascot Maddie Hope.

But that can’t be right? Must be because of the height.

I'm not judging. Don't get me wrong, I'd motorboat things into oblivion.

Now, if you're a person of culture, or a regular reader of this site, then you must know about the Czech Queen of F-cups, Denise Milani!

Holy Mackrel! That’s a lot of F. To think they tried to make me hate that letter in school, but it never took. If a woman has an F, then she's alright in my book.

I'm not ashamed to say that every time I see a picture or video of Denise, I am shocked they managed to crop her head into frame.

If you love F-cups, then you must adore that other F-cup icon, Brie Larson.

Huh. She doesn't seem as absurdly racked as Denise.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't miss the chance to spend a few minutes in a closet playing 7 minutes of Grope-Heaven with those yummy squeeze-balls. I'm merely saying there seems to be a discrepancy.

Here's another fun fact. Know who else shares a cup size with Brie and Denise? Buxom icon Danni Ashe! 

Danni Ashe is the kind of woman who everyone always offers a helping hand to help support the weight of those boulders.

Brace yourself, Alice, we’ve only just stepped through the looking glass. Because if the F-dsiparity is rocking you, then buckle up, Buttercup. Hold onto those hefty globes as we try to escape the g-force of G-cups.

Just take a gander at Cynthia Abramson and her squeezable honkers. 

If I went to the beach with Cynthia, I'd forget all about the ocean. The only motion I'd care about would be the ones putting a strain on that poor bikini top.

Gee, a G is really big. But you shouldn't be surprised because a G is a cup size all true bimbos aspire to. Why G is the same size as the kinetically hootered Tiffany Towers!

But hold up. What about double Gs? Double Gs? Did I say double Gs? I did! Take a peek at legendary viral sensation Dominique D’Angelo (aka MiniJello. Though there is nuthin’ mini about this yummy snack.)  

Some people see a bright light when they die. Others see loved ones. Some see Richard M. Nixon. I'm going to see MiniJello's perfect milk tanks.

Strange, Dominque looks bigger than Brie, but not bigger than Denise, Danni, and certainly not Cynthia or Tiffany. But she's DOUBLE G! How can that be?

Bra sizes are more confusing than quantum mechanics. But that’s because a number of factors go into a cup size. The cup size is not a single number, but the sum of varying measurements added and/or subtracted.

This is to say nothing about how an F is just a triple D by another name. That's right, my friend, the letters in cup sizes are often interchangeable. This isn't even getting into the difference between natural and fake bottle holders. Fake breasts are usually fuller and rounder, thus affecting the circumference and width. But even here, there's a wrinkle because we live in the 21st century, and the kind of implants vary from gummy drops to saline to silicone to infinity and beyond!

Girdle yourself, folks, because we're not done. The energetic and adorkably jiggly Sofia Gomez with her hefty 30H milkers is on the horizon.

H comes after G, but she doesn’t look as big as MiniJello, Tiffany, Denise, Cynthiam, or even Sweeney! 

This isn't a knock against Sofia. I'd gladly play whack-a-mole with those face slappers all day long.

But we haven't even begun to get into the curvature paradox of bra sizes. Sit down, my friends, while I really blow your mind, but try not to blow your wad.

SaRenna Lee...is also an H-cup.

I once had a teacher ask me to give another word for "perfection". I answered "SaRenna Lee". She said, "That's two words." I replied, "I know, but she has two perfections."

At some point, you have to realize cup sizes don’t mean what you think they mean. Never mind that SaRenna has a rack built to hold your beer during the game. It's still mind-boggling to consider that SaRenna and Sofia even share the same cup family.

Stick with me, folks, as we skip down the alphabet. It's time we get to my favorite letter, J. J stands for jiggly. J-cups are special; they make the world a better place. Don't take my word, ask Ellie, the Empress of Cleavage.

One look at Ellie and the elevator scene from Liar Liar comes to mind. Sugar Ray would have nothing on me.

But that has to be the end, right? Surely no one is a double J? Right? That would be ludicrous. Anime levels of silly.

Wait a minute. Is that the featured rack of June's Gazongas of the Month, Jordan Carver? At her peak bimbo phase, she was a mouthwatering, squeezable, hump-able, delectable, 30JJ.

Are we 100% sure that's suntan lotion? With Jordan, you can never tell.

Double Js? Why does that sound familiar? Oh, because double J’s is how Wendy Fiore billed herself when she busted onto the scene. (And we busted a few things as well.) 

Wendy and Jordan were both double Js. Yet both racks differ greatly in size, shape, and bounce quality.

But again, if I were to write in a story, “Stacy was a double J,” the picture you would conjure would likely reflect neither what the author had in mind nor the reality. Both in art and in real life, the bra size is meaningless without corollary information. 

Because if I were to tell you I know women with I-cups, you’d likely pull a Redd Foxx and collapse into the chair. 'I' stands for insanely proportioned!

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes
Wet beneath the blue suburban skies
I sit and ogle the sway and fro of those bouncy warlocks
-Actual Beatles Lyrics by Paul McCartneyHis

Except, I-cup could either be Penny Lane or Ashley Tervort! You'd probably still pull a Redd Foxx. Who could blame you? Have you seen those milkers slosh? 

Footage of Tervort on a treadmill is rumored to have been behind the streak of heart attacks and seismic tremors in Southern California.

Part of the misconception is because big-boob magazines would exaggerate bra sizes, “80GGG” and so on. Historically speaking, marketing and PR have always gone overboard when trying to sell the idea of Rubenesque ladies.

So, a whole generation of men was raised on a simplified version built to sell rather than describe or inform. Most men, melon felons or otherwise, never bother to look into how bras actually work and buy into carny-esque talk as gospel truth. But a ripe pair of bouncy bazooms is far too interesting and delightful to be reduced to a mere number and letter. 

I mean, Christ, what would a K-cup even look like? Caroline Vreeland and her gargantuan honkers have entered the chat.

I'm not saying I wouldn't spend hours upon hours exploring every nook and cranny of that heavenly valley. But whoa, momma, talk about cannons!

Ahoy! What's that sound? Why, that's the rumble of the balloon-titted legend Casey James unleashing her silicone-fueled war hammers! FIRE IN THE HOLE!

Casey isn't shy about whipping out her K-cups and showing us what G-force really means. Who among us could resist the gravitational pull of those twin planetary boulders? I would climb those things like Mt. Everest. Pretty sure Shangri-La is between those peaks. Or at least being between them feels like Shangri-La.

Sorry, got carried away. Anyway, the bra size means nothing. It only matters to the people who wear and make the bra. The only thing that matters to us is the presentation. It's not the letter after the number that matters; it's what's inside the bra itself.

Editor's Note #1: Please understand this article was written with the author's tongue firmly planted in his cheek and both hands on the keyboard.

Editor's Note #2: In an effort to achieve some semblance of journalistic integrity, these bra sizes were found on Babepedia, Boobpedia, and, when possible, verified by the models themselves.